Soldier's Heart
by Initial A
Summary: [Prequel to "Regency"] My name is Tsukino Usagi. I'm 17 years old. A year ago, my friends and I fought together in the Sailor Wars. And as we're all learning... sometimes we don't all come home the same. -Mixed anime, manga, and slight PGSM canon.-


**In "Regency", the opening chapter skims over the period between the end of the Sailor Wars and when my story begins. I decided to explore one aspect of it a little more, and I hope you enjoy it.**

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><p>Usagi hummed happily, a spring in her step. There was a letter from Mamoru in the mail that morning and all during school she'd sneaked peaks at it. She hadn't been able to get the full gist of it until break, with Minako and Makoto smiling wearily at her exuberance. And now, after school chores were done, and she was meeting her friends in the library for homework group. Even Rei was going to come—she had spent enough time stalking around campus during the Sailor Wars that they had figured out no one really cared that she was there.<p>

Ami would help with homework, Rei would be nearby as she should be, Minako would tease Rei, and maybe Makoto would have a snack to share… and Usagi would be able to write her response to Mamoru. It was going to be a perfect afternoon—even more so if she could get Ami to lay off the homework and go hang out at Crown… Usagi started to open the library door and heard Ami talking, "I'm just worried about her."

"You can't expect sudden change, Ami," Makoto's voice was soft, as was Ami's.

Usagi paused when Rei mentioned her name. "Usagi isn't failing, Ami. In fact, her grades are about the same, if not better than they were last year. I don't see the fuss, really."

"I just thought… I just thought getting her into high school… and after that everything would be fine…" Ami sounded sad, and Usagi felt like ice was where her blood was supposed to be. "There are so many little things…"

"She's not stupid," Minako's flat, iron-like voice joined the others. "And she's not going to flunk out. She's not you Ami, but she's not me either."

"Minako, don't say that. You aren't going to fail if it's the last thing I do," Ami sounded determined.

"And it's not your job to nag me, or Usagi, into passing. Some of us just aren't cut out for school."

"Minako…"

Usagi felt shaky, but threw open the door and put on a cheerful face. "Hi, everyone!"

Her friends wore mixed expressions of surprise, guilt (Ami and Makoto), concern (Ami and Makoto), innocence (Minako), and neutral (Rei). Usagi took her seat next to Rei, placing her bag on the table and dragging out her notebooks. "So, what are we talking about?"

"Nothing," Minako and Rei chorused, just as Ami said "Homework," and Makoto stammered a bit too loudly, "School!"

Usagi rummaged in her bag for her pencil case, and opened a notebook. "I see."

Usagi doodled at the top of the page, '_Dear Mamo-chan_'. Minako flicked a small paper ball at her. "Usagi, are you okay? Your pencil's shaky."

Usagi smiled, feeling her resolve waver. "Yeah," she hoped Minako wouldn't notice her voice cracking, though knowing her she probably had, "Yeah, I'm just a little hungry I guess…"

Nothing could be further from the truth; for the first time in a very long time Usagi had no appetite at all. Makoto produced a small tin of cookies, and Usagi ate two out of pretense, but despite her praises they tasted like sawdust. Was that really how Ami felt about her? And the others… they defended her, but they talked about her like she was a _thing_, not a person. A thing that… that couldn't be left alone, or trusted to get through high school on her own merit.

Minako was right. Not everyone was cut out for school. She knew that. She and Minako spent more time in detention for missed homework or making up tests than anyone else in the whole school. But they always made up the tests. Usagi always did better the second time around. She wasn't the best at school, but wasn't she good at other things?

She thought about it all during the homework group, absently listening to Ami explaining the math assignment and scratching out numbers as the lesson was essentially taught over again. She thought about it as she declined going to the arcade—she declined arcade time! But she wasn't feeling very cheerful at the moment. She thought about it on the walk home, holding her bag contritely in front of her as she watched the sidewalk pass under her feet, kicking stones along the way.

Barely a year had passed since the defeat of Galaxia. Usagi shuddered when she remembered that awful final battle, parsecs away in the center of the galaxy. She remembered the cold feeling of space, offset by the heat the Cauldron gave off. Her friends' faces… her wings torn to shreds moments before she had torn her friends to shreds… Usagi shuddered violently, clutching her arms. She leaned against the stone wall outside of her house. "No…" she whispered. "No, I'm safe. We're safe. Everything's fine. We were restored. _We lived_."

She had been repeating this mantra to herself for the last year. The others didn't know. They had their own nightmares to deal with, being torn to pieces and their souls sent to sleep in the Cauldron. They'd discussed as much, but Usagi, having lived through the entire ordeal and knowing they had watched her battle from the Cauldron, had felt her pain amounted to less than theirs. She hadn't died. She had never really died, and they had died for her…

Something besides fear, revulsion, loneliness, and sadness sparked inside of her. Anger. So what if she wasn't good at school? She was good at so many other things. She was good at fighting, at saving people. She was good at video games and sleeping and eating, too. But most of all, she was good at loving people. Forgiveness. Understanding. So many people in this world lacked those basic human capabilities, and Usagi possessed them in abundance. Hadn't she thrown herself into the heart of danger on countless occasions out of love for everyone? Out of wanting to protect her loved ones?

Maybe she hadn't died for them, but she had certainly faced down death for them more times than she cared to remember.

Ikuko was surprised to see her home so soon, but Usagi went up to her room without more than a hello and a promise to wash up for dinner. She shut herself in her room, glad Luna wasn't home either. She didn't feel like talking. She was too full of every emotion to get her point across.

Her mother called up to say dinner was ready. She barely ate anything, prompting everyone to ask if she was sick. "No, I'm… Mako-chan just made a lot of snacks for study group. I'm sorry, Mama. It's delicious."

She missed her parents trading a worried glance.

Usagi looked at the clock when dinner was over. "Papa, Mamo-chan should be waking up. May I call him, please? It's very important."

"Sure, Usagi."

She took the cordless into her room, closing the door behind her, and dialed his apartment number. He sounded sleepy when he answered. "Mamo-chan? I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

"Usako. I needed to be up anyway. What's wrong?"

Usagi smiled to herself. Trust him to know her feelings just from the sound of her voice. "I… I had a weird day, Mamo-chan…"

"Tell me what happened."

She repeated what she had overheard in the library. "I didn't know Ami-chan felt that way about me…"

"Usako, I don't think Ami meant it cruelly. She wants you to do your best, that's all."

"I know, Ami-chan could never… It's just…"

"What?" His voice was tender, and that alone made her spill her long-kept secrets.

"Mamo-chan, I have nightmares all the time. You don't know what it was like, fighting all of you. Watching your best friends attack your daughter, being unable to help because you were paralyzed with the thought that you could save them, if you could just get the bracelets off…" She took a shuddering breath. "I watched you give the order to _kill_ us, Mamo-chan. To kill _me_. I didn't know it wasn't you. I didn't know it was… it was your… some kind of _zombie_ of you, of _any_ of you. And you told them to _kill_ me." Her voice cracked. "And then they tried. And Chibiusa… she was so good. She was so strong, when I wasn't. They… I killed them. My own friends, I… And then Galaxia, she… you… and Chibiusa…"

Usagi broke, cursing softly to herself. Mamoru was quiet while she sobbed, searching blindly for her handkerchief. She wiped at her eyes uselessly. "I dream about it all the time. I dream about jumping into Pharaoh 90's universe. I dream about being lost inside Metallia, and that the stones didn't save you. I dream about Nemesis, Prince Demando kidnapping me, about Nehellania's curse…

"And I know I'm not the only one with nightmares. I know Minako fails half her tests because she's up most of the night to fend off her demons by practicing battle stances or spiking volleyballs. I know Makoto and Ami take turns waking each other up in the night, calling each other. I know Rei keeps it to herself, but her eyes tell me she sits for a long time in front of that fire. I know Michiru and Haruka don't talk about it, even to each other, that Setsuna has outlived us a thousand times over and seen more than any of us dare to think about, that Hotaru has two lives inside of her head always and fears that none of this second life is real, that you…" Usagi paused, because Mamoru knew his nightmares as well as she did. She took a breath. "I know I am not the only one who suffers from our mission."

She wiped her eyes again, and knew Mamoru was only waiting for her to finish. "Mamo-chan, for someone who is supposed to _be_ protected, I feel like I'm _doing_ the protecting a lot… And is not doing well in school a reasonable price to pay for that?"

Mamoru was quiet still. Usagi used the time to sniffle and compose herself again. She waited for him to gather his thoughts, for him to yell at her for being selfish, for _any_ kind of reaction. She _felt _selfish, knowing everyone else had pain too but wanting hers to stand out against theirs. Finally, he said, "Usako, I want you to promise me two things."

"Okay."

"First. Please don't keep these things from us anymore. I had no idea you… Usako, I love you and I only want you to be happy. This doesn't help. Please, please come to me or to the girls when this happens. It's not selfish to want to heal. We're all in this together, and that means we all heal together too. Don't ever think that your pain is less than anyone else's. We can't protect you from yourself if you don't let us."

Usagi's laugh came out like a sob. She wiped her eyes again. She could hear his smile when he spoke next. "And second, I want you to tell Ami and the girls everything you just told me. Tell them you overheard what they said, and why it hurts. Be open about it. You usually are, I'm a little surprised you didn't…"

"I guess… Ami-chan was my first friend who knew and understood about being a senshi. She was the first one to fight at my side. I guess it just hurt more coming from her… and to also have her think I don't appreciate that she's done a lot to help me in school…"

"Just come clean with everything. It'll help, I promise."

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><p>Haruka and Michiru, though they were a grade ahead of them, joined them in the library for homework group the next day. Usagi debated the lack of Setsuna and Hotaru, but thought having a TA Academy student in their group, with two upperclassmen, might draw enough attention as it was. Ami opened her book to start rehashing that day's English lesson, when Usagi cleared her throat. "Ami-chan, I'm sorry, but I have something I want to say to everyone.<p>

"I heard what you said yesterday, about me not being smart enough and you were worried I would fail out of school. And I know you said it out of concern and would never dream of hurting me by telling me that was what you thought, but I heard and it hurt all the same." She held up a hand at Ami's worried expression. "Please, let me finish. I know… it's okay. I forgive you. I know I'm not the best at school, and Minako's right. Sometimes we're not made for something and we'll just never be the best at it, and it's okay. Because I'm good at a lot of other stuff."

From here, Usagi told them what she had told Mamoru. She tried not to look directly at them, or she might start crying again. She rehashed the fights, the nightmares, her feeling of role reversal. "And I know you all have nightmares too. I'm not the only one, I'm just… I just think that not being the best at school is a good enough price to pay for all of that. Okay?"

Ami knocked over her chair in her rush to get to Usagi and hug her fiercely around the neck. "Usagi, I'm so sorry. I never meant…"

"It's okay, Ami-chan. I'm sorry for making you feel like I'm not grateful for you helping me. I am."

Minako smiled bitterly. "Why didn't you tell us about your nightmares, Usagi?"

"I… I guess… it felt selfish of me. I survived every battle. You guys… you always took the fall for me, and I guess it felt like…"

Makoto laid a hand over one of Usagi's; Ami was still hugging her around the neck. "Usagi, just because your experience was different doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just the same. We're here for that kind of thing."

"Kitten, how are we supposed to protect you if you seal yourself away from us?" Haruka asked.

Usagi giggled, wiping away a tear and hugging Ami one-armed. "Mamo-chan said the same thing."

"We've been worried about you, this past year. You didn't want to talk about what happened," Michiru said.

"It was…"

"Painful," Rei finished, speaking at last. "And then Mamoru leaving again on top of it, just after being revived. So you buried it. Don't do it again."

Usagi smiled. "Yes, Rei-chan."

The priestess glared at her, but nodded. Usagi wasn't fooled. Ami spoke again, "Usagi, I just… I want you to know, we were talking about… I mean, yesterday when… what might happen when you become queen. We know it'll happen soon. It's only… it's only five years from now. I know you're smart, Usagi, you're just not smart the way I am, or Mako-chan is, or Haruka. You can't fix cars like Haruka, or bake like Mako-chan. But I can't do that either, just like I can't find a way to take eight very different girls and somehow make them the best of friends." Everyone smiled, either at each other or down at the table. Ami continued, "I'm just worried that, five years from now, you'll go to your coronation and get on the wrong bus and end up on the other side of town…"

"You did miss the entire music festival last year," Minako piped up.

Usagi began to see where she had missed out on some of the conversation. "So you didn't mean…"

"Usagi, I don't want you to be the top student at the school," Ami smiled mischievously. "I'm quite comfortable where I am, personally. I just want you to have your head on straight. And I think a lot of what that has to do with is the enemies we were fighting. You were tired or had other things on your mind."

"You do get distracted easily…" Makoto admitted, looking guilty.

"And not keeping your pity party to yourself will help with that," Rei added.

Usagi frowned in mock annoyance. "So you're saying that I'm too irresponsible to become queen, is that it?"

Everyone but Minako looked shocked. Minako flicked a paper ball at her. "You and me both."

Usagi lost her composure after the paper hit her and giggled. "Fine. But Ami-chan, that's ages away. We have all the time in the world to grow up." At the look of resignation on her friend's face, Usagi hurriedly added, "But, if it makes you feel better, I promise to try harder at school."

Makoto nodded. "And we promise to do more of the protecting and not being protected."

"And we _all_ promise to be honest with each other, right?" Usagi asked.

Her guardians nodded in unison. She grinned. "Good. Then, honestly, I'm starving. Let's ditch study group and go get milkshakes instead."

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><p><strong>My Usagi is a little more mature, I realize, than most characterize her as. I pull this heavily from the manga.<strong>

**The title comes from a very, very old and limited understanding of PTSD. It dates back to the American Civil War, in an attempt to rationalize how a person, a soldier, had come back from the war a different person. And not all of the changes were good ones.**


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